Hi, 

I’ve tried to start this a million time but I can never finish it. When you called to reschedule that day I thought everything was fine and that I had everything under control. I decided to pick up more shifts at my job because of the opportunity to help with the COVID-19 virus hotline and I accidentally picked up a shift at the time of our appointment. I should’ve found someone else to take it in hindsight, I felt like there was an elephant on my chest after speaking with people non stop for hours about their loved ones who couldn’t breathe. At first things felt fine because I got the chance to work from home, but once that newness wore off I felt like I was trapped. For hours I had to set in my room staring at a screen while providing very little to no actual help for other calling in. My sleeping schedule was even worse after that, I haven’t slept at night since the first half of the semester. I fall asleep after the sun rises and I’ve forced myself to sleep near my window so I can get some sort of vitamin d while I sleep. And sleep doesn’t even feel restful at this point, I make up sore, tired and with the same headache I had before I went to sleep. My back has been hurting me since week 2 of self isolation and I haven’t gotten my period since February. The more that I think about it, the more that I can’t breathe. I’ve tried to do every grounding technique possible but not being able to leave and go to the store in the middle of the night really complicates things since that’s one of the things that I do to calm down. When I have the energy to get out of bed it’s usually for the one meal I have a day, that I’m not even hungry for. I try to follow instructions step by step in order to calm down but I end up crying half way through things. Even simple things I just burst into tears while doing, when driving I usually have the urge to do something self destructive but now I just can’t see while driving because I start to cry. I know I can’t control everything but I just need the world to stop spinning. Both my mom and sister work in a hospital and I feel like I’ve been holding my breath about their health. When my mom started to cough and my other sister started to give her ginger tea I couldn’t do anything about it while being 6 hours away. I couldn’t say “hey maybe she should go to get tested.” When i know from first hand experience that Florida isn’t fully equipped for tests, she’s supposed to stay at home and if it gets worse and she almost dies all they can do is try and make her comfortable. Basically. By then it felt like the beginning of April but I’m not sure if it was. Everything’s just been blurring together and when the week starts I tell myself I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna email you to get help and try and fix things, then I fall asleep when places start to open. Once I wake up it’s time to talk to people and practically tell them I can’t help them and redirect them to another place that’s deflecting their calls too. I can’t call because my roommate is working form home as well and I feel like I can’t escape her or her boyfriend. I have to be mindful of the places I go because she’s pregnant and her boyfriends father has colon cancer. I haven’t spoken to her since this all began. I can’t go into the living room because all of her stuff is in there, so I feel trapped inside of my room because I can’t change anything about the way she’s practically hoarding and hasn’t cleaned the living room in over a year now. She either uses the excuse that she’s pregnant or says that’s she’ll get to it. I can’t really tell our landlord because her name is on the lease and I’m not. My mom said that she rents the place and I rent a room and that I can’t control what she does only what I do. So I’ve been stuck in my room. I eat my one meal a day here and work here and sleep here. I’ve tried to work with the window open so I can get the fresh air and sunlight but I still feel drained and achey no matter what. I wish I could say it was because of exercise but its not, I’ve tried to running or jumping rope and all I can feel is a knot in my chest. I can’t breathe because of allergies when I wake up in the afternoon, I can’t breath because I can’t stop overthinking every single thing. I’ve tried using hot wax to try and “wake up”. I’ve tried reorganizing my room and the kitchen. I’ve tried doing yoga but there isn’t enough space in my room to do all of the positions. I’ve tried to use taste as a way to analyze things but I’m not hungry. I’ve tried drinking alcohol but I ended more dehydrated and my head aches get more intense than they were before I took the alcohol. I just feel like I can’t help anyone let alone myself. I can’t reach out to my friends because they’re trying to cope with this all too or they have boyfriends that they’re living with or babies they have to get ready for or they’re not available at the times that I’m awake. I can’t talk to my roommate because she cries all of the time because of her boyfriend and I resent her. Through every pregnancy scare she’s had I’ve always spoken to her about our living situation, and now that she’s actually pregnant she doesn’t have anything to say. I can’t tour any apartments because of the virus, I don’t have anything saved for a deposit, and if she left I have no idea who I would have as a roommate. Now my landlord wants us to renew our lease a month earlier than expected, so now I have until the end of June to find a new roommate or find a new place to live when I don’t even feel like I’m alive right now. I feel like a big ball of angry tired and sad. I don’t even know how long I’ll have a job for, the more that people yell at me the faster I hang up. We’re supposed to try to calm them down when they’re irate but I can’t handle people cursing at me and yelling about trivial shit. I haven’t been completely wreckless, I’ve tried to do what other people do when they want to start over: I bleached my hair. I got the hair dye because I went to cvs to get something to help ease the pain on my back but I couldn’t buy the ibuprofen. I don’t want to buy the ibuprofen. I'm trying to control my impulsive thoughts and the longer I stay inside the louder the "just do it" voicce gets.